can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
