Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
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