Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
