By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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