In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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