You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Go christen that room with your naked body.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
