You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
