you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
