have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
