He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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