i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
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