She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
You smell like a Billy Joel song
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
