I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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