today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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