dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
