No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
