somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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