I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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