I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
