I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Help. Why am I so naked?
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