it's too hot outside to masturbate.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
