I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
