Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
