we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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