My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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