Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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