I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
