I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
