but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
