On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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