I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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