She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
