I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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