just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I could fuck to npr.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
