You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
