drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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