I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
