Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize