i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
