why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
