I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
