I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
