The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
