Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
