My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize