we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
