I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
