I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
