the new term for farting is butt boxing.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
