ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
