Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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