K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
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