dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
