This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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