I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
