Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
