It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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