During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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