NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
