mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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