It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
